What am I doing?

I think maybe I'm tired and dragging, partly through lack of sleep (because when I'm mentally or emotionally worked up about something, or somethings, I keep myself up to all hours to exhaust myself beyond dreaming or the ability to think about it, which is not exactly helpful to maintaining perspective), partly from the long slow convalescence from the summer, and partly through reeling about a number of decisions I will be making in the next few months.

Here are two:

1. I'm enrolling in an RCIA program on Thursday to consider becoming Catholic. It's a decision I've been kicking around for about three years now, and I've taken the research and the questions as far as I can on my own; it's time to take the official class and learn about it more in detail. Obviously it's a big decision, but I will have time to consider all aspects carefully, and choose. I can back out even up to just before Confirmation, which is the week before Easter. Sometimes I feel certain and peaceful about becoming Catholic, and sometimes I'm terrified and doubtful. But I'll never know if I balk further, so it's time to push forward. I've never really found satisfaction from the evangelical churches I've attended, I prefer the Catholic approach to ministry, and I love the Eucharist. I enjoy Mass. So I need to see. I need to know.

2. I'm going to be applying to grad school again. No matter how nice a job is, it's not ultimately what I want. As MP says, I've been "getting by." And getting by is fine for a time, but not forever; I have, to be cliche, big dreams, and eking out an existence working various office jobs is not fulfilling either the dreams or my sense of purpose.

So the current plan is to take the GRE generals again in November, thus giving me two months to study so that (this time) the results won't be embarrassing, and begin to compile writing samples and recommendations. I'll be going primarily for an MFA in Creative Writing this time, since when I boil down my aspirations, writing is at the heart, and I don't have the space or time to dedicate to my writing while I'm also holding down a full-time job. Naturally I'm applying to Notre Dame (although they only accept 10 writers per year), but I'll be canvassing other universities and I'll also keep my eyes peeled for a good English literature program here and there.

This gives my intention to visit GCC for Homecoming an added purpose: To drop off writing samples to favorite profs and so get better recommendation letters and to run around collecting transcripts. Oo, I'll also be buying, at long last, a Grove City hoodie. I can't believe I've never bought one. I need one.

So, if other things aren't working out the way I want them to -- and there have been a lot of disappointments this year -- I can at least keep my mind fixed on the greater purpose: changing the world through writing. And right now the next step up the marble staircase is academia. I've had my chance to roll up my sleeves and work it out in "the real world"; and now I need to push the cuffs back up over my elbows and start in on my destiny. I'm tired of just getting by.