Surprised by

It hits me at odd moments.  Blinking my eyes slowly on a Saturday morning, savoring the recent darkness rendered by the blackout curtains I purchased earlier this month.  Glancing out my office's twentieth floor window over the Ford Field toward the horizon just beyond Detroit.  Inhaling the spice of a humid August morning waiting for the early bus into the city.  Surveying the electic, artfully arranged beauty of my living room.  Or just now, washing off my hands after scooping out Simon's litterbox, which I carved out by hand from a large plastic storage bin so he would have more headroom and higher sides to accommodate his aging and slightly arthritic hips.  Moments when my mind is idle, thinking of nothing in particular, at rest in the ease of a quiet moment.

Joy.

It happens more and more often, lately, especially in the last month.  Adjusting to life post-breakup takes a huge toll, mental, emotional and physical--a shift of identity, a drastic change to a long-envisioned future.  (Especially when you move across two states for the guy and undergo two huge career changes in less than a year.)  On the whole, exhaustion won out over even grief, bitterness and anger (although I had/have those in abundance).  But as I've rested, as I've started to mend, to think, to heal, to convalesce, a sweet, pure joy has begun to flash through me in the moments when I'm thinking of nothing.

My life now holds so many more and brighter prospects than it did a year ago, two years ago, three years ago.  I'm living in a bigger place, with more to do, more opportunities, more happening (I love Detroit).  I have a living space that's as beautiful and settled-in as I can make it.  I love my job, where I can keep busy and solve problems without feeling overwhelmed, where I am deeply appreciated by bosses and coworkers, where I know my own worth.  I have fallen in love with public transportation, where I can read for two hours a day instead of grinding my teeth through traffic.  I'm reading more than I've read in years.  I finally bought a new (used) car.  I am free and unfettered, both relationally and psychologically.  And I'm making friends.  I love that I'm finally starting to have friends.

I'm still tired, most days.  But it's the tiredness that feels like healing, not the tiredness that needs healing.  I'm still focusing on getting as much rest as I want, and hopefully before too many more months have passed I'll feel rested and alert.

And I take a quick, childlike pleasure in those flashes of joy.  It had been a long while since I felt them.  I'm glad to have them back.