Dear Mr. Cold Front:
I really must protest your untimely re-arrival in my neighborhood. I understand that you make your circuits throughout most regions of the world on a semi-regular basis, namely, during the late autumn, winter, and early spring seasons, when I find you a most welcome companion. I further understand that you do not actually violate any law of nature in visiting me at the beginning of April; however, your persistent company, this late into the spring season, is becoming increasingly unwelcome.
You must understand that I have many responsibilities and obligations to fulfill which your sudden presence is rendering difficult. As an unmarried individual with gainful employment, I dedicate the majority of my waking hours to my job. This, naturally, requires a great deal of energy and mental focus, which necessitates copious and regular amounts of rest.
The general depression (marked by a decline in productivity) caused by unseasonable weather would, I think, be reason enough in itself for you to vacate the premises, should you pause to consider your effect on those around you. Also, it is beginning to seem that you need a map to direct you to your next stop, which I would think you would find embarrassing. The Canada geese are enough of a laughingstock across the entirety of the North American continent, without lumping you into the mix.
Furthermore, for the past three weeks, all of the aforementioned requirements for a fully productive life have suffered significant depletions due to the poor health of my cat, who has required continual and watchful care, and also due to my chronic headaches.
It is these last for which I hold you most responsible, Mr. Cold Front. Your accompanying frigid winds have often, in my short trips between the door and the car, reduced me to tears due to intense sinus pain. Said pain persists throughout the day, perceived as tight bands wound along my cheekbones and across my temples, and pressing inside my nose. As a result, my concentration has been sharply limited, as well as my energy levels and enjoyment of life.
It is my hope that you will reconsider your venue in this neighborhood and migrate, in a VERY timely fashion, to a more suitable region of the globe. Antarctica, I believe, is looking for residents such as yourself this time of year. I'm sure your particular characteristics would enjoy a more popular status in that climate.
I have appreciated your presence throughout the duration of February, and I look forward to your return in December. (You were a bit late, in 2006. Please feel free to arrive and unpack your bags somewhat closer to December first this year; I'll always have a mug of hot cocoa waiting for you around that time.) But "for all things there is a season," etc. & etc., and it is my understanding that now is the time for fledgling birds, flowers, and sinus drainage.
Wishing you well on your way, and thanking you for your cooperation and understanding,
Sincerely yours,
Sarah
5 comments:
Love it. :)
Two days ago, I was lounging in the park with a book and an apple. Today, there are snow flurries. NOT acceptable.
I have to say, and I mean this as a compliment:
This was such an English major-y post.
HAhahahaha!!
Well, it didn't get any better, the cold, I mean...when I got home, the window with the big air conditioner was ass-open to the wind, which was knifing in through the air conditioner slats and all the edges of the window, the landlord had turned the heat off, the apartment was fifty-five degrees, and I couldn't feel the tip of my nose. So I grumped around taping plastic wrap over the air conditioner (because it's too big for me to lift out) and tucking towels into the cracks, and I got my really big thrill when I marched down to the basement to turn the heat up and discovered that (of course) the BASEMENT was nice and toasty.
Mrrrrgh.
Oh btw, when's your presentation? I'm working my way through your paper (it's not in any way a chore, I'm just not getting it all done at once, and I've been tireder than usual lately and getting less done at home), and I didn't want to finish it TOO late. With my luck you've probably already given it, and from what I've seen, you've done great, but still, a girl likes to get something done in a timely fashion. :)
The conference is next weekend, which I just realized means I'm presenting on Friday the 13th. Spooky.
Oh, Friday the 13th is lucky for me, so hopefully that will rub off. :)
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