finitus

Well I had planned to write a nice reflective post about autumnal nostalgia for the days of reading poetry under trees in my college Octobers, but everything about today pissed me off.  I think I'm mostly just really really tired of being sick and it's making me cranky as hell.  Every driver on the road did something stupid or rude.  Work presented giant irritations that to be fair probably would irk me on even a good day, but today was not a good day so I quietly clamped down on my temper and fumed to myself (another benefit of long-term singleness and living-aloneness is getting really good at all forms of self-care, including being that person for yourself who says, reasonably, "I know it's a shit day, and you're also not feeling well, and things are bothering you more than they ordinarily would, so take a few deep breaths, keep your temper, keep your head, keep your cool, you got this").  My doctor proved he has gone full woo when he told me that diet soda causes cancer (I mean, after his "wine is more natural" and "join my wife's JuicePlus group" shit earlier this year I really didn't have that many doubts left, but this takes the fucking cake.  Forty years of insanely robust research that says absolutely otherwise, and "artificial sweeteners are the most dangerous thing you can put in your body."  Oh please.  Next it'll be GMOs and organic and oh my god I just fucking can't.  Time to find a new doctor).  And then yet another seemingly intelligent white male left a series of unbelievably sexist comments on a social media post of mine which skyrocketed my general annoyance to stratospheric rage (I. am. done. with. sexism) and the only good moment of my day, though it accompanied great disappointment in yet another dude, was absolutely shutting him down. (I shut him down so hard he deleted all his comments and blocked me. Yessss.  I'm sad that my comments in reply to his got deleted too though.  That was an epic takedown.)

Like, I'm not even having these arguments anymore.  I'm not playing along.  I'm not making nice.  I'm not performing the myriad acts of emotional labor expected of women even when they're being talked down to by an intellectual inferior.  Fuck your privilege, dude.  Fuck your feelings.  Fuck your sense of self-worth that is rooted in the simultaneous invalidation of and validation by women.  Not this woman.  Not today.

I've been a scary feminist for a long time.  I was the ONLY feminist on my college campus (which is where my feminism was born), and I've only gotten more and more aware as time has gone on.  But since the election, I am fucking done with sexism.  I am angry.  I have no time or patience for taking it, tolerating it, or supporting it.

God it feels good to just unleash.  To call out bullshit in a matter-of-fact tone that doesn't even need to go ad hominem to trigger a narcissistic injury in these fragile bros.  And not to worry even a little bit if I hurt their feelings because for once their feelings aren't the point and don't matter.

But can I not be sick anymore?  I just really want to not be sick anymore.