friendless

My original weekend itinerary never came to fruition on account of my lingering cold.  I had planned to attend a couple of bat conservation events and get a lot of writing done; instead I sat on the couch all weekend binge-re-watching How I Met Your Mother (my enjoyment of which I cannot possibly defend, and will not try.  It is a show that centers around white male cisgender heteronormative supremacy. I spend more than half of my time watching it cursing it out.  I stay for the friendships), with a few breaks to use the bread machine (Italian herb bread with garlic, onion, parsley, basil, rosemary and thyme, omg), do laundry, run to the grocery store for necessities like milk and wine and vegetables, and make my nuclear garlic hummus (vampires beware).

My life right now is socially isolated.  I don't hang out with people outside of work, except for the monthly happy hours I instituted, or the times when I get together with Meg or Steph, which also occurs roughly monthly, or the occasions when one of my neighbors invites me over for a brunch.  I enjoy those times -- the happy hours and brunches are great because I get to turn on my powerful charisma (an acquaintance of mine, himself highly socially aware, many years ago said of me to one of my friends, "She's one of those people who draws all the energy in a room") and I derive a lot of satisfaction from those artful performances; but as a person who possesses an extrovert magma surrounding an introvert core, I can only throw those performances at significant cost, and so I don't do them often.  And the times with my deepest, truest, best friends are treasures that feed my soul for months.  The rest of the time?  I spend pretty much alone.

And I fucking love it.

I don't have to be by myself all the time.  I know plenty of people at work who would like to get to know me better, who would readily hang out if I extended an invitation.  And eventually I probably will.  But right now I'm in a state of suspended social animation while I rest and recuperate from the last three years.

It is so, so, so, so nice.  Just to live alone.  Just to come home to my lovely, quiet apartment in my lovely city neighborhood and spend time with myself and Simon.  Not to have to go anywhere or entertain anyone.  To have no demands on my time.

I have never spent more time by myself.  And I have never been less lonely in my life.