reservoir

I'm not gonna lie, it's a little discouraging how quickly my reserves run out these days.  One malingering cold is enough to deflate all my buoyant spirits and soaring optimism into a flaccid, rubbery lump of exhaustion and mundanity.  

I'm just so tired.  The last few days in particular have taken all my glazed-eyed, zombified will just to get through until I can drag myself home and into bed.  

On the drive home from work this afternoon (I really love not having to be a Woman In Public on the bus anymore) I realized that most of the reason I don't want friends right now is that I don't have the energy to make them.  I can muster enough to hang out with people who've known me forever (namely Steph and Meg), but that's it.  Making new friends?  Forget it.  That costs more than I have in the bank right now.

Gradually the reservoir will fill up again.  My spring is coming.  Everything keeps going so well that I know the overall trend inclines upward.  But like any convalescent, I have to remember to take it easy.  Getting exercise and writing back set me aglow; I forgot how fragile so precious a newly resurrected thing can be.  It doesn't take much to tap out my enthusiasm (I would say "my strength" instead of "my enthusiasm," but I've never yet come to the end of my strength, which after this summer honestly frightens me a little.  Like what the hell am I.  How do I still manage to find the wherewithal not only to keep going but to thrive?  Alone?  Because make no mistake, I am very much alone right now.  My support system contains a few people at the periphery, and my therapist, and me.  Mostly me.  And I have never yet reached the end of my strength.  Just the end of my enthusiasm), so it's important to remember to go slowly, ease up, savor each moment of delight as it comes (such as realizing that the return of my writing skills seems to have reanimated in kind my quick, intuitive ear for harmony even with unfamiliar songs; ye gods, I have missed that) and rest, rest, rest.

So, I'll counsel myself to patience.  And of course it's a little lonely.  But I've felt much, much worse, and since I have little to bring to the social table right now, I might as well relax into the solitude and enjoy my own company (and that of an owl-eyed, whiskery inky black kittyboy).  

And get lots and lots and lots of sleep.