I had a revelation last night on the phone with Leigh Ann. (She attended college at Wheaton in Illinois, so she's one of the two Easterners I know -- MP is the second -- who has dwelt in the strange place that is the Midwest.)
I've been having an incredibly hard time getting to know the people at church. They're warm, and friendly, and energetic, and fun; but at the same time closed-off. You can't get behind the nice smile. It's like looking at a shut door. I was telling this to Leigh Ann, and she laughed and said, "Yay, the Midwest!"
And I understood my confusion. In the East, there is no confusion. People aren't warm and friendly unless they like you and want to get to know you. When they first meet you they're brusque and curt and preoccupied. They don't say much. So when warmth and friendliness appears, it means you're friends.
I imagine moving from the Midwest to the East would feel extremely lonely, surrounded with all these people who openly don't give a damn. But I might prefer that. Easterners aren't fooling you. Friendliness is something you can trust. There's none of this tricky "I've-seen-you-and-chatted-with-you-for-months-why-aren't-we-friends" business.
Overall I like the Midwest. At least total strangers don't give you the "drop dead, idiot" look. But still...it's hard to make friends. Harder when you think you've been making progress only to find it's all been a grand sham.
Maybe it's time to go church-shopping again. Or maybe I just need to roll up my sleeves and start serving, and see what happens.
13 comments:
I always thought Grove City was the Midwest.
Anyway, your comparison of Midwesterners to Easterners reminded me a lot of a discussion that took place in my International Manners and Mores class - only we were talking about Americans vs. much of the rest of the world. Apparently Americans strike many foreigners the way Midwesterners strike you: almost startlingly friendly but superficially so, as if - just as you suggested - the friendliness only goes so far before you hit a wall. It was a practically identical observation - interesting.
Oh, come now, Sarah, you're making more overgeneralizations than a whole pack of uncontrolled sociology majors. If such a feat were possible (on second thought, that's highly doubtful).
Seriously, though, I think you should give the Midwest another chance. I know it can be rough sometimes (I'm a transplant from and Erie, Pennsylvania-ish area myself), but getting freakishly attached to this region is easier than it sounds.
Take my case, for instance. After moving this overgrown town called Columbus from Grove City, I moped for awhile about some of the superficially nice folk here. Then I thought, what the heck? Maybe the predictable venues for meeting friends are not for me. So I totaled my car (well, I wouldn't recommend this part) and took the bus (please avoid the middle-aged men wearing Budweiser tee-shirts and Playboy magazines tucked into their back pockets, please). And carpooled (also, don't ride with strangers). And struck up conversations with random people on the sidewalk (but it's usually a good idea to watch out for large groups of unemployed young men). The odds of finding your long-lost soul-mate this way are rather slim, but I figure the more I play, the better chances I'll have.
And you know what? It's actually worked. I have met several bosom friends just by sticking with it and putting myself out there. My church still has its share of phoney people, and the streets its portion of idiots, but all around I found this place has really grown on me.
Oh, by the way, the Midwest is not immune to good old friends either. Peter Cava's swinging by my home later this week. I'll keep you posted--and also update soon you on my outlandishly spontaneous trip to a radically religious third-world nation last month (or in my fouler moods, just a supersized version of the Midwest).
Take care, kiddo. Talk to you later.
Last summer, upon arriving at unnamed state university in the south - my appointed "buddy" from the sociology department invited Josh and I to his house for dinner. His wife is from the midwest, and he is a mennonite. Imagine the awkwardness. All in all, it was a good evening, but as we pulled out of the driveway, Josh said, "So, awkward silences just aren't that awkward for them." I agree that midwesterners are strange (especially in conjunction with Menonnites).
p.s. I totally did not get your joke about sociology majors, la mendola.
To back Sarah up, I have to admit to the same quandary re: Midwesterners and friendships. Poor Sarah doesn't even have a department of transplants like me to pick from (although she has been heartily adopted as an auxiliary back-up Philosophy/Theology/English PhD by all of the grad students). But a person (or maybe it's just me) can't live by the grad school alone. And I, too, have tried mightily to get to know people at our church, at the post office, at the library, ANYWHERE to just round out the circle a bit more, and...nothing. Paranoia has begun to set in, as I wonder, did I become dull? I have taken to being a friend poacher; meaning, I pick people that I want to be my friend and I don't relent until they are. But honestly, you can't do that all the time, and how do you ever build up a big enough circle for trivial pursuit parties???
Americans are superficially friendly, and I prefer a hearty New York, "screw you" to a midwest "y'all take care now" any day.
Oh wait, I forgot the South! My new home!! People really ARE friendly there! That's where we all should go.
Well, but that's what I mean. If you were born here and grew up here and were totally immersed in the "culture" here, you'd be fine. All the church people (who actually voiced the opinion that the books in my apartment neatly shelved "probably weren't all mine"...I'm still stewing over that) have grown up together and gone to the same church most of their lives, so they're really social with each other. A transplant, however, has a tough time.
And maybe I should reduce my over-generalization to a mere generalization and identify Indiana as the focus of my observations. Michigan seems to be an exception; the most genuinely nice and down-to-earth and open people I've met here are from Michigan (my boss and my neighbor).
Like I said, I like the Midwest. But I don't particularly care for the social aspect of it. And, while I'll probably work at striking up a few more conversations with random people, it probably won't be on the schizophrenic streets of South Bend.
(And awkward silences are COMPLETELY a part of conversation here, Mair. It's bizarre. And I run out of "filler" conversation real fast.)
Hey!!!I resemble that remark!
Yeah, if I think about it, there's never a pause when my family is all together. It's more like conversational rugby!
Here's to the three psuedo-Midwestern Italians on the list. I always thought my family was a little strange.
As far as Midwestern states competing for the bottom of the barrel, I'd have to cast my vote for Michigan. In my opinion, residents of that state are vying for entry to the East Coast, so far as cold and priggish personalities are concerned. Outside of the Atlantic seaboard, I've never met so many humorless people in my life as I have in Michigan. I think you may just met the two or three lucky souls who got away, Sarah. It's clearly a biased sample.
Disclaimer: And I'm not just saying that because of any itty football rivalry that may or not exist between the two states in question...
Actually that's probably WHY I like people from Michigan. They're my caliber of social being. Plus they're near a Great Lake -- unbeatable.
Gary, Indiana is the end of all hope in the Western Hemisphere.
A couple of Great Lakes, to be exact ...
My dad's from michigan and probably the best man I know. And he's somewhat reserved, but has no trouble talking to complete strangers. His reservation is more of a sedated personality type, whereas mine? Decidedly less sedated.
But I agree that I've never really thought of Michigan as the Midwest. It's always seemed like (and I'm making this area up on the spot) like it should be in the "Northern East Central" category ... which would mean that it's all on its own. I have strong distinctions between East & Midwest (with no basis, whatsoever, other than how various television shows portrayed the states they were in). Ohio? Midwest. Pennsylvania? East Coast. Colorado? Western. Any states between Colorado and Pennsylvania? Midwest. Except for Texas. Which is completely Southern, Midwestern, and Western all at the same time.
Hey, guys--sorry if I came across as more earnest than intended. My remarks about Michigan were totally tongue-in-cheek, and yes, largely influenced by the select horde of fanatics who descend upon my town every year for a totally overrated rivalry. There's something about the combination of beer, sports, and a primitive dose of masculinity that have unfortunately soured my opinion. I'm sure that the idiots, Ohioan and Michigan alike, who cut each others throats everytime a critical play occurs are actually very nice people at home. I just have yet to see that.
Thanks for introducing me to the exception to my rule, Cap'n Ganch.
Have a nice day!
I feel so out of place. I am neither Italian nor Midwestern. I am from the South. My grandaddy was a democratic office holder. My great great grandaddy was shot in the ey in the Civil War. I eat cotton for breakfast.
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