Unfortunately I can't air my issues with total honesty as I would like. But, in the meantime, you get a slice of my angry pie, if you care to continue reading.
A half-conclusion at which I've arrived this week is that I push most dateable guys completely out of the way because NEEDY MEN PISS ME OFF and I'm convinced that any guy I wind up dating (because I've been a magnet for the Needy Guy in the past, whimper whimper Sarah fix my problems and listen to them all while I sit here not giving a damn about your life, YUCK) will turn into one of these men. Men who stifle my emotional life because all they want is for me to tend to theirs, to shut my emotions in a closet and adopt their emotions as my own. And all I'll hear forever is I hate my job, I hate my parents, I hate my life, blah blah blah blah blah make it better, and while you're at it just sympathize with meeeeeeeee.
As Virginia Woolf wrote of Mr. Ramsay in To the Lighthouse, "There he stood, demanding sympathy."
Sorry, Imaginary Dude Whom I Won't Let Into My Life. It's your job to seize your life with your own hands and forge something out of it. It doesn't have to be something world-changing, but it does have to be yours. I'm not having any part of making you who you are. You're that without me, as I am who I am independently of you. I'll be your companion, I'll share your stories and your life and I'll laugh with you and I'll be quietly sympathetic when that's really what you need and I'll build a comfortable and healthy and secure home with you; but I'm not going to sit around letting you suck the life out of me because you refuse to be content and turn your nose up at an optimistic and hopeful outlook.
Now, I am beginning to understand that not all men are like this, so my friends who know that this doesn't apply to them need not take offense. I plan to learn more about regular guys, who, I hear, populate the planet. But to the person whom I may have not yet met who plans to make me his support and mainstay, forget it. Companion. I will be an excellent companion. But I'm no Atlas. Nor do I expect you to be. My life and problems are my own. All I ask once in awhile is a hug and a genuinely meant inquiry as to my well-being and a real interest in the good things of my life, the things that make me happy. But I'm responsible for me; no one else can be. And you are responsible for you.
If you're wondering at whom this post is directed, look up a well-known Plath poem. (But don't comment about it, por favor, I need to deal with this person directly but had to post about it first.) And for further clarification: If I met you in college, you are not the object of this post.
This garbled and esoteric rant brought to you courtesy of Sarah.
10 comments:
Wow. Great stuff Sarah.
That is really one of my biggest concerns, that I'm not like that. I'm always unsure how I'm doing.
It's really hard for me sometimes cause I always tend to focus on my want for companionship over how I'm living my life.
I'd say that in college I was a lot like the kind of guy you described (and perhaps still am to some degree). But after being in the "real world" for two years the realization that I need to become my own person is more self-evident than ever.
So that's why I really value living by myself (even though it's can be extremely depressing) and it's why I'm pushing to go to grad school and move away from the city I love so much.
In high school or college it's a lot easier to accept day-to-day dissatisfaction becuase you feel like it will come later. But working at a job that you're not particularly fond of, even for a very short time, makes you call into question what you are pursuing. I must say that being unsatisfied professionally totally drains everything from you: creativity, self-motivation, pursuit of interests, etc. I think if I tried to correct the problem through a relationship it would work for a few years but I then would fall back into the same pattern.
I think thats why there are so manny unhappy or unsuccessful marriages. Our culture convinces us that getting married, owning a house and having 2.5 children is the measurement of success. I think I probably used to think that way. Not anymore though. Have you ever seen About Schmidt? My greatest fear is becoming just like Schmidt. I don't want to wake up one day and wonder where my life went.
If I had to choose bewteen staying single for the rest of my life but having a job that brings me satisfaction or having a family and working a job I don't particularly like I would definitely choose the good job. Maybe that sounds shallow, but it's how I feel right now.
Amen!
(and this is for the men I knew in college)
Heh. I think we knew (mostly) different guys in college, Joey. :) Although I did know some really big loserheads at Grove City, I can't imagine they're putting Coffee Spoons on their daily reading list. So, my friends who might read this post are generally pretty awesome.
Evan, I've come to the same realizations. I was under a lot of stress working my two retail jobs for nine months, doing something I didn't particularly love and did not see in my future; once I got my job at the Center and learned where it's going to go, I became almost completely satisfied with my life.
So I don't think choosing a fulfilling career and singleness over a lousy job and marriage/dating/companionship/whatever is selfish. I think it's sensible. It's what I'm doing. And then, once you have the job you want, you can be happy enough that when you do meet someone special, it's the right thing all around, without bringing dependency, misery, and neediness into the picture. Not that life is always hunky-dory, but two people should be generally self-sufficient and happy even in their relationship, so that they can weather the bad things with better optimism.
That's my conclusion, at least.
Nice post & comment, Sarah. To clarify: I'm quite confident the young males to whom I am referring ran in different circles than yours! And for that matter, I did meet a fair number of upstanding counterparts as well. It's just been a long process of learning to sort out the good apples from the bad, I guess. Not sure I'm all the way there yet, but at least I'm a bit more wizened than I used to be....
Sarah,
Reading this post upset me quite a bit. I won't chastise you for your feelings, because I don't know the situation that led you to this post, though I suspect this rant might be an over-reaction (which is fine sometimes). I just wanted to say a few things as a person who is involved in a healthy relationship that actually has some co-dependency (in a positive way). What upset me the most in this post was this: "I'm not having any part of making you who you are. You're that without me, as I am who I am independently of you." Unfortunately, that is not at all what relationships are supposed to be about (especially marital relationships). Your partner should play a huge role in helping to shape the person you become (especially considering that we are all 20-somethings who are in fact becoming, rather than being.) I am proud to say that Joshua and I have mutually influenced and changed each other for the better. I would not be who I am this moment if it weren't for our relationship and the same is true for him.
The ability to love and be loved entails the ability to be broken, humble, and changed by another. It means truly sharing someone else's life, even if that means always holding someone's hand while they figure things out. It also means being vulnerable enough to realize when (and how often) you really need your hand to be held as your figure life out.
I fear that those among you who hold onto this "I'm too strong and powerful and dominant to be concerned with a man who may possibly need something from me" mindset may find yourselves someday realizing that maybe it was your needs you were reacting so harshly to.
I repeat, this was said in no other tone than a cautionary "maybe you ought to rethink some things" and not at all in a "i know better than you" tone.
Perhaps some clarification is in order.
Neediness is different from need. Influence is different from creation.
The type of relationship to which I was reacting is one in which one party, and one party only, does all the helping and influencing with the goal of fixing. The other party sits around demanding the help, influence, and fixing without putting anything into the primary caregiver. Thus one person becomes a parasite upon the other.
Holding someone's hand while he/she figures something out/deals with pain or grief/adjusts to unexpected change is not in any way fixing him or her; it is supporting him or her. Which I think is great.
I think a person may challenge me on my path to becoming, Mair -- because we are all "subjects-in-process" all our lives -- but a person cannot MAKE me be anything but who I am. A person cannot create me. A person cannot "fix" me. Only God can do that, although people can be supportive hand-holders along the way, or by turns eye-openers.
From my experience, attempts to change anyone always, without exception, fail. The best you can do is stand by a person and love him or her while he or she works through things on his or her own, and offer advice when necessary. And that's the best (in the best sense of the word) that you can expect in return.
Interdependence and codependence are subtly but crucially different. An interdependent person is capable of living life solo, but chooses instead to share life and "hold hands with" another. In this sense "need" is very positive, because two people have chosen to be together, and can influence each other on their ways to becoming. A codependent person is incapable of living life solo and cannot live without the significant other and must have the significant other's complete and total attentions and ministrations. This is where "need" becomes unhealthy neediness.
I fully expect to need someone in the future. It's going to be difficult -- both because I see myself as fairly strong and resentful of needing, and because I'm afraid to need and be let down. But I am confident in growing through this particular fear.
I have been expected in certain of my past relationships to fix someone, or to stifle my identity and needs in order to lay my life down totally at someone else's (not God's) feet. It was horrible, and I will not do it again. The person who comes along and frees me to become, and whom I free to become, is the person I will consider for my life companion. Mutuality is integral.
But I repeat: This post was not directed at anyone whom I met in college. I have always seen you and Joshua as an interdependent couple and a good example of a healthy relationship -- not the kind against which I wrote the post.
peripheral venting or just passing gas. It's not about you. it's about getting up going to work having children and being part of something bigger than oneself.
I'm taking that as funny. Especially if you meant that "it's about having children" bit.
Beautiful clarification, Sarah. Thanks for that. I didn't take the post as directed at anyone - I just used my relationship as the most available example. But, your clarification helped me a lot to see where you are coming from, and was also a lot more level-handed than the original post. I sure do miss all the times we spent talking those early days of college. Let me tell you - realizing that you need someone is perhaps the scariest event of your life, BUT once you come to grips with it and realize that person needs you to (in a totally loving and healthy way) it is the BEST thing in the world. I hope things soon become less frustrating for you. I'm sure they will.
Thanks, Mair. After those early days of college, I still find you both challenging and encouraging -- two qualities rarely found together. I'm glad you've found your life mate. When it happens for me, it's going to be really really good too. :)
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