I've been slipping back into depression.
I've been trying hard to deny it -- I went through two summers of pretty intense therapy toward the end of college to work my way out of it, and I have never wanted to be back here again. But there are certain signs I can't ignore anymore. Pervasive listlessness. Constant exhaustion. Emotional numbness. Indifference toward things that usually make me very happy (hanging out with people, going for walks, reading, even cooking). Lack of energy. A feeling of purposelessness or pointlessness. Poor sleeping. Failed appetite.
I don't know exactly what triggered this slide. Spring is usually a bad time for me -- it's when my sister was at her worst state of health, and when relationships with my family members were tense at best. And depression runs in my family. But I thought I had more or less conquered it. I guess the most consistent thing that has been eating at me since November is my aloneness. I'm far from family. After living here for almost two years, I've only made a scattered handful of friends. My daily existence doesn't matter much to anyone -- I'm not essential, not in the sense that I'm constantly needed, but in the sense that my presence can be assumed by someone. So I'm young, I'm single, I don't have a strong support system in the place where I'm living, and it's really, really hard to meet people here.
And it's getting me down. I spend almost every day on the verge of random, senseless tears. I've been getting hot flashes again. Nothing I do seems to have a whole lot of meaning. And I really, really don't want to live in this state of blankness again. I want to be the old, happy, strong me.
My health insurance isn't that great, so I can't afford therapy. Though -- if it doesn't start to improve soon, I'm going to take steps to get a therapist anyway. I'd rather be emotionally healthy with an even slimmer budget than try to plod alone through a life that for no good reason looks completely gray.
Prayers are much appreciated. In college I had so many friends to come around and support me and be a web of loving presence while I put myself back together. Here I have only a few, and I hate being a downer and a burden.
What to do? It's especially annoying because my life is great. I have a great job, a great apartment, a decent church, and some really great friends. And I still feel so horrifyingly, chokingly alone. I can't stand it.
Poop.
7 comments:
I've struggled with depression off and on, but was always good at hiding it from my family and friends.
When I first moved to DC a year ago, I'd never felt so alone in my life - new job, new city and didn't know a single person.
It's always going to be rough, but you'll pull through. I'll be praying for you - I can't even imagine being alone in Indiana.
You're in my prayers.
Oh, Sarah :-(. Thanks for blogging about everything I want to but never do. . .
You know, it sounds like you're looking more for a crying shoulder than a bit of advice, but being a state away, the latter is all I can do. So here goes:
My mother is a psychiatrist, if you didn't know, and her speciality is depression. She's seen wonders happen with people who were otherwise normal, happy, successful people who struggle with sadness suddenly and often and who decide to take a mood stabilizer to smooth things out. Plus, mental health is increasingly supported by major insurance plans. . . it's worth a try. Personally, I might have tried that approach myself, but my relationship with my mother is not all that great, considering that she's been diagnosing me with every disorder under the sun. Grr. Sometimes, I think she's right, but it would kill me to admit it. I have been an emotional basket case for most of my life, and the worst times are when everything else seems to be going well. Even now.
My own remedy of late has been an absolute refusal to spend any time doing nothing, especially sitting around, watching tv, or something equally mindless. I'll take a walk, talk to my roommate (they are such beautiful things!), sit in the park and read a book, go out and meet someone interesting randomly (somehow it always happens), go to a Bible study, enroll in a class, call an old friend, book a flight to visit someplace I've always wanted to go, and, for the past two years, I have been training on an amateur boxing team, a great stress reliever and source of constant support. Physical activity is key. The bottomline: never allow myself to slip into the bottomless hole of emptiness that has so often characterized my family life and tree. Medication and activity are surely no panacea, but they sure can help a lot.
Whether you do, I wish you the very best ... you deserve nothing less.
Con mucho amor,
J
Oooo, so good, Joey.
Medication is out for now -- not at all because I'm opposed to it, but because my insurance plan is so gouging. (I have a high deductible plan where I pay for everything myself. There's a slight discount but absolutely no copays. This makes medication painfully expensive.) I was on Wellbutrin two years ago and it was amazingly marvelous. If I have no other choice, I will gladly go back on it for the sake of my health, but until it's a last resort, I'll see what else I can do.
Doing things and connecting with others and physical activity are excellent suggestions. I was thinking, just now as I read your comment, that a year ago my two retail jobs and the miserable existence I was leading had me slipping back toward the emptiness I remembered so well, and to avoid it I very brilliantly searched for and (with God's amazing provision) found another job, one that rewarded and satisfied me.
So, since it's loneliness that's killing me now, I have to take radical steps toward connection that I in my characteristic (though often well-hidden) shyness would not ordinarily make. I'm thinking this will involve calling people more often without worrying whether they think I'm annoying or needy, and determinedly plugging in at church.
And you're right -- no more mindless movies or TV. Nothing to kill time or deaden the weight. I'll go for walks in the evenings before it gets dark; and then when it isn't safe to walk around by myself, I'll sit in reading the 500 books that I own and have never read, or writing, or e-mailing people.
It's time to be proactive, and something's gotta give.
Last night an acquaintance who finds all of her friends, like mine, embroiled in the essay- and paper-writing that concludes each grad student semester, called me up and we went out for a drink and some girl time. It was wonderful.
So today is better because of that, and I realize after what you said that I can't just sit around and let this thing take me over. I can DO something about it.
Whew...and that's a relief. It's the powerlessness one feels in the midst of depression that makes it hardest of all. Fie upon it!
Go, Sarah, go :-)! You CAN do this. We're all behind you.
Something I forgot to add, but I think you picked up on, is the importance of being earnest. Of breaking from the same-old, same-old routine, putting yourself out on a limb, and trying something completely new and different. In my experience, when I first began boxing, I was lifting weights alone at a gym and getting really depressed about it. So when I found out that there was a boxing gym nearby, I decided to give it a try. My first day, I was so scared my knees were shaking ... Looking around, it was pretty obvious that I was the only nonminority, the only woman, and the only beginner ... and the other boxers and coaches made sure I didn't forget it. They hit on me-crudely-and sometimes AT me, stared, constantly insulted me along the lines of: "haha-look at the white girl who can't box." But now I wasn't scared or depressed -- I was MAD. My survival instinct kicked into high gear. "Don't you DARE mess with me...!"
Well, this white girl still can't box -- well, not really -- but I did find a passion that put a fire in my belly and forced me to stand up for myself and not just stand there and take life's blows. In an ironic way, boxing has given me the courage and determination to take charge of my depression and fight back against my own passivity. More than that, my biggest naysayers there have now become my greatest cheerleaders in a turn I could have never anticipated.
All that to say, you never know what can happen when you put yourself out there and find that thing that can get you out of the bed in the morning when you least feel like it. And I think you're on the right track.
Keep your chin up (well, not if you're in the ring and don't want to be knocked out, but, you know, most of the time, it's not such a bad idea :-)-
J
While I've never struggled with actual depression as far as I know, I have gone through a couple of periods of prolonged sadness, loneliness, and melancholy (and hey perhaps if I had gone to a dr, I may have been depressed), but anyway, la mendola gives great suggestions. The first half of my senior year of college was a bad period for me; I basically had no close friends at my college after the end of some previous friendships, and I was really, really lonely. Several things helped: prayer obviously, phsyical activity (working out at the gym until I was exhausted, going for long, long walks through the city and enjoying the scenery), being around people (e.g. even if I had no one to hang out with, just doing my studying in a coffee shop helped me to feel more connected), reaching out to potential friends (I always seem to make friends because they come to me, but I've found that it's not all that difficult to reach out to an acquaintance and become closer; I had a classmate who was a buddy and I made an effort to hang with her more, and we started having lunch once or twice a month on the weekends), trying a new hobby (keeps you occupied, and if it involves a class, helps you to meet people). I've found that the worst things to do are to wallow around your apt. alone, let yourself stay inside all weekend watching crappy tv, sleeping too much, and indulging in sad movies and songs.
My dear friend, I have been remiss in reading your blog (and many others, sadly) and I didn't find this comment until now, two weeks later. I will definitely pray for you, and if you want to email or call ever, even just a little bit, please do. It was you who pointed me in the right direction senior year with my depression, and any help I can give would be a delight for me and hopefully you, too.
God go with you. Big hugs.
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