Gmail: You're savvy, probably a bit bookish/nerdy/artsy/geeky, and there's a strong chance that we can be friends.
Hotmail: You are an aging partier who thinks Coors Lime is classy and you wear fashions three decades too young for you, thinking that the frozen faces of the people you pass in the street are complimentary.
Yahoo: You try but you should know better. We couldn't speak even if I wanted to because all of my emails in your inbox are drowned out by spam. That's fine because your discussions of the news are usually focused on celebrity gossip thanks to Yahoo's homepage.
AOL: You are retired and call your children and grandchildren when your computer isn't working because you forgot to turn it on. I'd send you an email but your server will take a month to download it. Every time I visit and you check your email on your huge desktop I'll be looking around for Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan on TV because everyone stopped using AOL twenty years ago and dated rom-coms are the only realistic source for the nostalgia besides your living room.
Outlook: You don't know your own email address and couldn't find your password if you tried. You have better things to do like catch up on all those new reality shows.
(The Oatmeal has his own awesome version here.)
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