all things new

The past twenty-four hours have seen me undergoing one of those periodical revisions of personhood.

Or perhaps a more accurate noun is refinement. Less like the burning away of dross than the peeling away of dragonskin, the painful process of being stripped of long buildups that I as the wearer came mistakenly to identify as part of myself.

In college and for the first few years afterward I had a fairly widespread reputation among my peers as a blunt axe. I called it like I saw it. I minced no words, beat around no bushes, bared many bones. A certain softening seems to be summoned by gradual maturation, but I realized today that I haven't softened as much as I've retreated. Through various circumstances and for various reasons I learned to stop speaking my mind, to let others lead, to allow my relationships with others to be determined almost entirely by them instead of in mutuality.

Which is ridiculous. I've hated it, and it's made me moody, doormatty, and then, when I can't stand it anymore, ferociously bitchy.

Last night I finally engaged in some direct communication, matter-of-fact and straightforward, and it felt so good I actually slept last night, and woke up in a fabulous mood which has lasted the entirety of the day. (My new bosses and coworkers must think I'm nuts. The stripping of the dragonskin was painful and I was listless and dull and sunken in on myself all week, like a hollow girl, and then all of a sudden today I was brisk and bouncy and inclined to sing along to Sufjan whom I played on my computer without caring whether or not other people thought he was weird, and was generally extremely productive and inquisitive.) I feel like I've gotten myself back.

So it's time I think to practice this a little more. I'm really, really liking it.