Yeah, I'm not all that okay.
Hence the lack of blogging -- everything seems lackluster. I have no motivation to do anything that I usually enjoy doing -- reading, writing, blogging, cleaning, watering my plants. I lagged behind in my bills this month (something I've gotten meticulously out of the habit of doing). I haven't done laundry in forever. I hate being alone in my apartment. I'm grumpy with my cat. I'm not sleeping well. I'm gaining weight. I feel a general sense of tired, hollow sadness. I long to spend a lot of time with people I know, but I'm ashamed to talk about what's going on in me, this relentless feeling of ill-being and an inability to function at the higher levels. And I'm terrified of being with people I don't know. Last night I was supposed to go to a dinner for work, but at the last minute I had to go by myself, and I freaked out and started crying. (My boss kindly excused me from going. I felt like a heel.) I haven't gone grocery shopping in two weeks because I can't face the thought of being in company with so many strangers at the store.
This is not like me in the least. Some of my coworkers are a little surprised -- "But you're so outgoing," said Jess. I know. This isn't me. This is horrible. And I don't know what triggered this tailspin, so I need to talk to someone who can a.) figure me out and b.) give me medicine to mitigate the effects of depression.
So it's going to get fixed. I will not live like this any longer. I need help. My boss gave me the number of a reputable psychiatrist, and I'm waiting for a call from them today to set up a new patient interview.
This sucks. But something's gotta give -- and I've been here before, and I know it gets better. With help, it gets better.
The good thing about my morning was that I got to share a little excitement about the Psalms with a resident (we call them guests) at the Center who is just starting to read the Bible. And it was fantastic to remember that the Word of God does not return to him empty, and that other people are touched by it, too.
4 comments:
Hello lovely,
I was wondering what was up with you when I didn't see you at my going away pub night. I wanted to give you my address and phone number and whatever. Also a poem I wrote that has your name in it. I've left a copy with Glenn, and I've posted the poem on my blog.
I'm glad you're doing something to get yourself out of this. If you ever want to talk, let me know.
Good girl, Sarah. I've missed hearing from you, and if you ever want to chat, you know where to find me.
Sarah,
I want to come visit you! This is all very off-the-cuff, but as it stands today, I'll be driving to Chicago for an interview May 20-22. South Bend is on the way, so if you're up for it, I'd love to stop by. Maybe we could grab lunch or something. In any event, let me know . . . we might even snag a couple of points on ff challenge :-).
Take,
J
Joey, that sounds fabulous! Let me know when you'll be in town!
E-mail me for my cell phone: prettypuddleglum@yahoo.com.
Look forward to hearing from you!
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