I'm not there

It's one of those (Mon)days.

I had too much to do this weekend and in trying to do it all I ended up doing none of it well. I also got no sleep and feel this morning as if someone had poured powdered sand in my eyes, laughed at me and walked away. The domestic front is tense for no immediately discernible reason. Good deeds do not go unpunished. None of my closest and best beloved live anywhere near me. Although I'm more Catholic than anything else (belief in the Eucharist limits one's options, and I speak neither Russian nor Greek) I still fit no molds and have no community lacking anything in common with anyone so church is a wrenching kind of drag -- again. I'm not maximizing my potential where I am and I don't know where to start and I want everything to be simple and easy and I know it's never simple and easy but today I'm pissed about it, thank you.

I have too many jobs and no money. My inbox keeps getting filled with stupid inspirational forwards which are like yelling "SURPRISE!!!" at someone with a hangover. My head is thousands of miles away and doesn't want to concentrate on the task at hand. I'm so tired I'm taking naps in my daydreams. It's a mood wherein I would love to go running for a cigarette if I could smoke it without throwing up (this means, I think, that I have officially quit for good, dammit) and the day stretches long and sunless ahead of me when good old Mr. Weatherman had promised me sunshine. Appropriately, "Halloween Head" is spooling on continuous loop in my mind's ear, and inconveniently it's drowning out everything else.

So fuck it -- I'm retreating to my other hiding place. While I answer phones and deal with whatever crap lands in my lap I'll be about fifteen miles away from here sitting on a bleached-bone driftwood log with my hands curled around my knees watching the wind blow over twenty-six miles of gray water.

God is good. But occasionally everything else sucks. And this means that I should take my old youth pastor's advice: "When everything is bad and you feel horrible, get out there and serve people."

Okay. Here I go. But I won't like it.