I'm tutoring this kid who lives in the dingy apartment next to the office with his mother and her live-in boyfriend and his younger half-sister. I volunteered to tutor him because he's one of those mischief-oriented kids that still seems to have a good heart, and he gets woefully neglected, emotionally, by his "parents."
It's a challenge in many ways -- J. seems, subconsciously, to have already made up his mind that he's not good in school, and that his life is the way it is and that's how it always will be. He doesn't seem to realize that education is his ticket out. He's getting Ds and Fs in most of his subjects, but he doesn't bring his textbooks with him (from the way he talks, it sounds like they have to stay at school, which I think is weird). I'm not used to kids this young (he's fourteen) being completely internally motivated -- usually adult/mentor/teacher approval still gets kids going at that age. It's saddening.
I don't think he always tells the truth, but usually it's so that he doesn't show himself in such a bad light. I mean, the kid honestly breaks my heart, especially because there's nothing really I can do about it but be there and be firm.
It's the being firm that's the biggest challenge. He's spent the last few weeks trying to rearrange the schedule, and I've had to force myself not to yield, because I know that if I do, he'll take advantage. It means he gets a lot less tutoring time than he needs, but I remind myself that these are his choices and I'm not actually responsible for bringing his grades up and getting him to like school -- not least because I'm not getting paid. It's taking him awhile to realize that last-minute requests won't get him anywhere -- at first he would ask if we could spend our tutoring sessions on different days of the week, and I told him that unless he gave me a lot of time, I couldn't; and then when he tried again I finally decided that I can't rearrange my schedule at all. It's one of those basic responsibility things. Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's that or nothing.
Tonight's was funny -- I've told him in the past that I get off work at 5:30, and so he usually doesn't come for his tutoring until sometime after 6:00. I wait. Then today he came in at 5:10 and asked if we could tutor early because he had to leave at 5:30. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or throw something. I told him that I don't get off work until 5:30; that's my job, my boss was still working with a client and I had things to finish up. I told him I'd check with my boss (I tutor him in the office -- the front one, with lots of windows), but I didn't end up interrupting him about it; instead I got a little irritated that this poor kid expects me to cater to his schedule. Sorry, I'm a grown-up. I call the shots.
He kept coming and going for a little while, and then was waiting for a blank CD I'd told him he could have, taking up space in the entryway looking pathetic when our last client came up to the front office to pay. I asked J. if he could come back in a couple of minutes -- I have developed that reticence about talking finances in front of kids that I found strange when I was a kid -- and he pouted and left with the exaggerated slouch of the disappointed child. The client, while fishing around for her wallet, asked me, "Is he yours?"
I must have had a sort of stunned look on my face, because she faltered and said quickly, "Your brother? A friend?"
I explained the situation, we left on good terms.
Now granted, J. looks much younger than fourteen, but even so I don't think I look old enough to be his mother...although in tiny backwater towns, that's probably the norm, women my age having ten-year-olds. Plus with the way I nudge him around, trying to teach him some of the manners his own mother has neglected to instill, I suppose we interact a little that way. And I've been told plenty of times that I'm rather maternal with children (I love kids. To pieces. Even the problem ones).
Still...it was odd. Having committed to chastity from a very young age and stuck to it, I still think of myself in terms of "not old enough" to have kids. Well, more and more as the time goes by it's getting to be, "but I want one," rather like you say, "I want a pony," when you're six. But still. I'm far from motherhood and I know it.
Nice to have a stranger think I'm capable of it, though, when it comes down to it.
4 comments:
Interesting that you can smile about being asked if he's yours. More and more these days, I'm asked if I have children and it HURTS. I would love to be able to say yes but I'm still so far from it.
Well, it's been one of my good weeks. Most of the time it IS painful. I've dealt with it this last half year by repressing all of my maternal desires until I usually forget about them. This is problematic, too, but it hurts less than THINKING about it. Especially because there's nothing I can do.
It would probably have been traumatic if he were four instead of fourteen. A four-year-old I could conceivably (haha) have, and I LOVE small children, and that would sting.
It's really not fair that so many of us gals are still single...I mean, look at you! You're gorgeous! What's going on??
Oh, thank you for the compliment! (I must confess, I do only post the best pictures of me online.)
I was just reading your next post and I, too, only get asked out by older gentlemen (and that's not common either). I've just turned 30... is it too much to ask for someone in my own age range? Or are those men dating 20-year-olds and thus continuing the cycle?
I honestly can't figure it out. I used to wonder what was wrong with me because it's so easy for thoughts to travel down that path. These days, I think educated women are far too intimidating unless it's an older man.
Yes. Or a man who is very very settled in himself, and therefore comfortable with differences. Which is why the men who notice tend to be older -- young men are usually just as insecure as young women.
And of course that kind of guy is hard to find. But I think I may have met one this weekend. We'll see what transpires...
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